So what does the modern priest pack in his vehicle while serving five different parishes? The first and very important items are the Holy Oils, specifically the Oil of the Sick. You never know when you’ll run into a sick person in a nursing home or hospital and it pays to have the oil handy. There are some priests that prefer not to be around the ill, we call them wusses. For most of us the infirm are our bread and butter. They don’t have to be dying to receive the Sacrament of the Sick but it helps. Younger priests ask, “How much oil should I use in the anointing?” A good rule is that enough that it can be seen but not so much that the recipient slides out of bed.

I also carry the Sacred Chrism; if someone is in danger of death, say an infant, you need to give them all the grace you can. Besides Baptism, Confirmation can be administered if the person has one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel. Many’s the person years later that have come up and thanked me by saying, “Why the hell did you Confirm me when I was a baby? I can’t join my Confirmation class now!” Such encouraging words gratify a priest’s soul.

Another must for the multi parish priest is Holy Water. There are always people asking for the quick blessing and/or exorcism. My training for casting out the devil was watching a movie called “The Exorcist.” The main exorcist in any diocese is the bishop, but it’s difficult to keep him in the car for any length of time. He becomes surly when left in a vehicle on a hot day. It’s advisable to check the condition of the Blessed Water during the winter. Throwing an ice cube at a person seeking a benediction is not found in the ritual.

In the Sanctum Santorum (OK, I don’t know what the name is for that thing that opens and closes on the passenger side of the vehicle; there has never been a pair of gloves in my “glove box.”) you’ll find plastic forks and spoons, salt and pepper and a small bottle of hot sauce. As Sgt. Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes always says, “You never know when you’ll run into a free meal!” There are also emergency items like toothpicks and antacids in the same compartment.

Occasionally a small caliber weapon is hauled about in the vehicle due to a massive infestation of ground squirrels in the cemeteries. It isn’t necessary to busta cap into every single varmint in the graveyard. Once a ground squirrel is felled, I put him on a small stake in the ground so that he’s standing tall. Then a small blindfold around the eyes with a cigarette in the mouth illustrates to the other rodents what will happen to them if they stay. The reason for this ploy is simple, my aim with a rifle is terrible. I once tried multiple shots at a running rodent but only succeeded in carving out an alternate death date on one of the tombstones.

The most vital item a priest brings is the presence of God; for Catholics this means the Eucharist. It is important to know that no minister brings the Lord to a place deprived of God. As a missionary told me years ago, “no missionary brings the Lord, He is already there.” It is like the two disciples walking to Emmaus in the Gospel according to Luke, Jesus is with them but they don’t recognize Him. It is the task of the minister and missionary to reveal the God that is already there.

Might have to shoot more ground squirrels; just saw one wearing the glasses of a lady I buried two years ago.