My fellow dyslexic anorexics, with the rush to purchase every last square and ply of toilet paper (TP) on this mortal coil, have we thought of the consequences of surviving the corona virus? Or, God forbid, we are called early to the seat of judgment to answer for our prolific purchasing of the paper that preserves the purity of our posteriors? Generations to come may wonder why the TP never runs out.

So, in an effort to prepare for a future steeped in TP, here are a few suggestions for its future use: 1) by twisting several lengths of TP one can make lovely accessories for the home, office or a night on the town. A TP bracelet with matching TP squares for earrings and a handsome soft paper choker certainly would speak fashion to the community. 2) Instead of sand or foam, fill our playgrounds and school yards with rolls of the stuff left over from the crisis of 2020. 3) People will look with awe at your new drapes and window accents; always wanted a beaded curtain in the house? Lengths of TP hung from a doorway just shouts “class.”

If it should transpire that the dreaded virus kills everyone (God did say He would not destroy the earth again by water), what will visitors from other planets see and think? “Whomever the people were that inhabited this planet, they must have worshipped fiber.” “Obviously they considered TP much more valuable than we denizens of the planet Hemorrhoid.” “I think if we twist some of this stuff together we can make some nice accessories when we return to our home solar system, Prolapsus Anusus.” “Were these humans nuts?”

Maybe it’s the human psyche that causes some to hoard during times of crisis, or one of those lasting effects of original sin, but this is not what the Lord Jesus had in mind when He stated “Store up for yourselves treasure in heaven.” (Mt 6:20) Pallets of TP are not the ticket to paradise, rather, faith and the good deeds that flow from faith gain for us from the inexhaustible font of God’s grace. Creature comforts don’t get us into heaven, but the Creator’s care for His children brings with it the promise for life everlasting.

I’d expound more on this vital topic, but just noticed, getting a little low on toilet paper.