It’s tough when you have three in diapers in the house, just ask any parent with very young children, or me. My faithful canine companions of many years are in their doggy diaper years. Bert and Ernie will be 16 this June; one year over the age limit for Silky Terriers. Their eyesight is shot, they don’t hear much of anything but their sniffers work and finding a place to pee in a wall to wall carpeted house is not as hard as you might imagine. “When did you replace your carpet with a new one with dark circles all over it?” “Well, it’s a work in progress.”

To the rescue, Bert and Ernie’s mom and stepdad, who don’t appreciate the pair’s attempts at liquid interior decorating. The dogs now sport a dark colored piece of vinyl around their bellies, the cotton interior of which soaks up waste water. You would have to wash them regularly, but there is the new innovation of placing a disposable diaper liner inside the vinyl that can be easily discarded, unless you have some strange collecting habits. Better yet and cheaper, you can purchase narrow feminine hygiene pads that fulfill the same purpose (OK, not that purpose, but the dog purpose).

“Local priest seen in Joe’s Market buying feminine hygiene pads.” Instead of facing the truth, which no one would believe, I’m sticking with “Local priest to have sex reassignment surgery next year; begins practicing.” After being scoped and ratted out, I’d be as popular as wicker furniture at a nudist colony. There is something to be said for helpful parishioners who don’t ask too many questions and need a penance commensurate with their sin, plus a sawbuck tip for purchasing the item in question.

Did I say three in diapers? After having a prostate removed there is a period of time for recovery, about a year they say. Did you know the prostate in a male is responsible for holding the water back from Lake Bladder? Once the dam is removed other muscles must compensate and it takes a bit of training in the art of catch and release. There is a physical therapy session where you are trained in the proper muscles for the holding pattern; let’s just say it involves a finger and an orifice and is a BIG surprise to the trainee. This is where the adult diapers (ADs) come in.

For those who are environmentally friendly, a dish towel or bath towel can be used and reused. I found the dish towel too small and the bath size a bit over the top. Terrycloth sticking out of the waistband of your trousers isn’t too hip, even if it is 100% Egyptian cotton. It was also difficult to use the diaper pins necessary, even if they were jumbo size. It is said there are websites that have such adult reusables for sale; such databases don’t have, as their primary interest, post surgical rehabilitation. Therefore, to maintain your moral character, avoid these.

Aging is better than not aging and I’m dying to get there. What is this belief we find in the Apostles’ Creed about the resurrection of the body? Well, it is the resurrection of our own bodies on the day of judgment, the last day. Will the prostate reappear? The appendix? My acne? My herpes? These are the questions of the spiritually and physically insecure. The point of the resurrection of the body is not cloning, but being clothed in glory as our Lord. It is something to anticipate and a beacon of hope.

The theology continues, but it’s time for a change…